The Spoon

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"The Spoon"

by: Wes Robert Ward

"The spoon did it!!!" cried Larry Owens to the two interrogating homicide detectives before him in the back room of the police station, "It wasn't the fork or the butterknife, no it was the spoon!!!"

Soon after that Larry Owens was convicted in a Criminal Court of Justice of murdering 60 people at a buffet restaurant with just a spoon. Yeah, I know it's hard to believe, but when Crime Scene Investigaters ripped the bloody spoon from an overweight man's forehead they couldn't understand how anybody could murder with a ordinary spoon, let alone 60 people in only a matter of minutes.

Well, you know the old saying, the spoon is mightier than the sword. Or was that the pen? Ah, who cares.

Anyway, Larry had screamed all the way to the electric chair ten years later saying, "It was the spoon that did it, not me!!!"

Oh sure, he could of gotten the insanity defense, but that murder spree happened in a Longhorn restaurant in El Paso, Texas, and apparently every Texan in Texas wanted him dead.

Like tapping a spoon on a hard boiled egg. This is your brain strapped to the electric chair, this is your brain taking 2,000 volts turning your brain sunny-side up.

And so Larry Owens died, but before he met his maker he wrote some stuff in a journal within the 10 years he was on death row.

In his journal, Larry had written about the visions he saw as he saw the spoon murder those people. He said the spoon spared him for only one reason\u2026 to tell the others that the spoon apocalypse was coming. That spoons weren't just going to take over the world, enslave mankind, but also rape our women and impregnate them with spoon semen.

Yes, it seemed crazy, but as one reads the gibberish writings of Larry Owens, it would eventually become clear that something wasn't right inside his old noggin. Maybe, just maybe Larry wasn't as crazy as he may have been, sure mentally disturbed but was he truly bonkers? Well, given the fact if whoever reads his journal wasn't as crazy as he was. It's like reading Dr. Seus 'Green Eggs & Ham' to a bunch of hungry Cannibals on Thanksgiving Day or reading 'Stephen King's It' to Preschoolers before Naptime. It just isn't good no matter how you read it even if you have a picture bookmark of Garfield kicking Odie off the table between the book.

Anyway that's what crackpot Historian of silverware, Dr. Edmund Albertson thought as he bought the journal years later after Larry Owens had been dead for decades. Larry had even autographed the bookmark.

Dr. Albertson had declared at all the silverware conventions all over the world that there was an evil spoon in our world since time just about began. Beginning with the death of Caesar and throughout time many deaths and murders of famous and not so famous characters.

He also noted that this spoon not only assassinated Abraham Lincoln at Ford's theater, but also assassinated John F. Kennedy as well. He noted that one bystander had said as he heard the shot that killed JFK that he heard from the window above someone screaming, "THE SPOON DID IT!!!"

Some say when Jack Ruby killed Lee Harvey Oswald it was to cover up the fact that a spoon in reality had done the deed. It is also known as police arrested Jack Ruby that he had on him among his wallet, car keys, and other stuff in his pockets, an ordinary silver spoon. Coincidence, I think not, said Dr. Albertson shocking everybody about another theory into the JFK assassination. Clearly this one is more believable than the crippled midget theory with one arm and a clubbed foot.

Many listened with fascination, and others not into silverware to much just thought Dr. Albertson was just plain nuts. A spoon killing JFK, please. Just as bad as hearing about the straw that broke the camel's back and the evil twisted toothpick that actually committed all the heinous crimes of O.J Simpson.

Although many thought the Historian on forks wasn't the same as well in the sanity department. Dr. Jonas Bailey had said in her clear British accent that there was a fork that had caused the black plague and other calamities as well. She even said that we all blamed 9/11 on terrorism when all the time it was this fork that had brought down the twin towers.

Hmm, makes one think about how untrustworthy forks could be. Dr. Bailey also stated it could of been an ordinary fork that sank the Titanic. Blaming it on the iceberg and lousy ship builders was just to harsh. She said a fork did it. It's still debated to this very day if that was true. Although a century later among the old Titanic artifacts found at the bottom of the ocean by the wreck, scientists discovered a fork by a few broken dishes. Dr. Bailey's theory could be true indeed after that brilliant discovery of the new century.

Ah, but the German/Russian Historian Pavel Twasky from Minsk had stated in a thick Russian accent that the butterknife alone created the universe and not God. Well, that didn't sit very well with the Catholics in Rome saying that was pure blasphemy. And Dr. Twasky had said, "Just read ze bible, all zat talk about breaking bread vas just hints." The Pope & many Cardinals cried out, "What?" Dr. Twasky replied, "Ze Bible is like two pieces of bread zat needs to be lightly toasted and buttered. Jesus didn't milk ten cows in one day before being crucified ze next day for nothing, you know." Well, after that idiotic lunatic statement, Dr. Twasky was banned from Vatican City until he'd get psychiatric help.

But in the end, no one truly knows if there was an evil spoon, let alone a ship sinking fork or a Godlike butterknife, or a spork that Casanova'ed girls from Cleopatra to Zsa Zsa Gabor, or so thought Roman Polanski.

Although as we look at our silverware every single night, especially the spoons, we must wonder what if, just what if we had that spoon in there among the other silverware. What if that spoon comes out of the silverware drawer late at night and not only murders you, but your whole family?

It's not worth it if you ask me. So I suggest you start eating your cereal each morning with chopsticks. There is nothing sinister or wrong with chopsticks. They're just made of wood, even though it's not easy picking up soggy Cheerios at least you and your family will be alive.

Think about that as you hold your spoon tonight and just think about that as you look into the gleaming reflection and see yourself in that silver spoon. You will know it's true if yours eyes in the reflection of that spoon turn red. And soon after that you and your family will be dead.

But if somehow you survive the spoon's bloodshed then it's only because the spoon let you live to carry on the urban myth which could be true.

And if somehow you wake up in the middle of the night and walk out into your kitchen and see on your kitchen counter a spoon doing a song and dance number like,

\ud83c\udfb6"Hello my baby, hello my honey

Hello my ragtime, summertime gal

Send me a kiss by wire, by wire

Baby, my heart's on fire, on fire

If you refuse me, honey, you lose me

And you'll be left alone, oh baby

Telephone, and tell me, tell me

Tell me I'm your very own, oh!!!"\ud83c\udfb6

Uh yeah, that's a totally different spoon, but at least the fork that sings, 'Send In The Clowns' is less depressing, not to mention the butterknife that sings 'Buttons and Bows'.

But perhaps you're not seeing silverware that night because you smoked too much weed and think you're seeing silverware dance and sing. Or perhaps you're by a campfire eating s'mores with a stick as you later smoke peyote with Native American Indians who tell you that silverware is an abomination brought on by white man to destroy the Indian nation. Either way that tepee you're in probably be puffing smoke more than you.

Alas poor spoon, I knew him Horatio, one might say, as that one shoots up heroin with the spoon and a rubber band. And as that one sits on the kitchen counter and sees the linoleum tiled floor of the kitchen move back and forth in their own delusions thinking it's quicksand or lava, just remember as they hold that spoon, just remember it will dig them out.

Spoons, what would we do without spoons, not to mention forks and butter knives, or whatsoever. Whether our silverware be good or evil, or politically incorrect that needs to be dressed like Barbie Dolls, it all comes down to this\u2026 I'd rather eat with silverware than with my fingers, the latter is nasty. We are no longer Cavemen and Amazons, people. And there is nothing wrong with shoving a piece of metal into our mouths three times per day like some mechanical cyborg.

This has been a spoontastic story by yours truly, the evil spoon. Remember a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, in a most delightful way, especially with a big bottle of red wine, "Now take your cyanide and strychnine!!!"

The End.

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