The Urinals Of The Undead

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"The Urinals Of The Undead"

by: Wes Robert Ward

Yep, a Zombie epidemic broke out once again and this time it got started in Chicago, Illinois. How it got started? Well Scientists are still trying to figure that out, but I found out the truth and it wasn't pretty.

You see it got started at Wrigley Field Chicago Cubs Baseball Stadium in the men's restroom. You see it was the urinals away from the restroom stalls that caused it all.

Toxic fumes from years of over-weight beer drinking baseball fans, mostly males relieving their bladders turned these piss pots with plumbing into the Urinals of the Undead.

Billy Bob Gump with his big beer belly walked up to the middle one and was the first to turn into a raging brain eating Zombie. He bit Jethro Haggard who was taking a piss next to him at his urinal, who in return turned into a Zombie himself and bit Larry Fuddleman next to him as he was taking a piss at his urinal.

Soon after was a bloody mayhem as the three attacked the three poor bastards in the restroom stalls who had diarrhea from eating day old chili hotdogs that the vendors sold to them out front. Don't worry those vendors tasted better than the day old chili hotdogs.

Then all six ran out of the men's restroom and attacked the people buying beer and food at the concession stands, who in returned all ran into the main stadium stands and attacked all the people in the over priced seats to watch a lame boring baseball game.

Who in return all the baseball fans turned into Zombies and jumped over onto the field and attacked the Chicago Cubs & New York Yankee baseball players turning them into Zombies.

The New York Yankee Baseball Player Tommy 'The Flamethrower' Tyson thought he was a badass Zombie Killer, but throwing a baseball at 100mph at Zombie heads can only get you so far when you run out of baseballs to throw. All that was left of him was the bloody hand holding his last baseball.

Soon after that the Zombies spilled out of Wrigley Field and all over Chicago. The military is keeping it contained as much as possible, but it's not easy. About 2.716 million are infected. That's about how many that don't use restrooms, but trees and bushes in Europe. Europeans are nasty, especially the French who won't have to worry about the Zombie epidemic because they have no restrooms, they pretty much let go on the streets for us Americans to step in.

Now there's word that there's a Vampire epidemic that got started in a men's room at the Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles. It seems something came through one of the toilets and bit a fat man on the ass passing gas among other horrible things. An hour later all of Southern California, including the L.A Dodgers were undead bloodsucking Vampires with the exception of Hollywood whom half the bloody bastards were already since Silent Pictures began.

Still being contained as much as possible there. The military are trying to introduce to the Vampires to a Bidet type of toilet to them, but instead of water washing out their anus, it's holy water. Donald Trump came up with that bright idea, cleanest political anus since William Howard Taft, and that was a lot of ass.

Also a werewolf epidemic almost broke out in Atlanta, Georgia at Turner Field where the Braves baseball team play, but this time instead of the men's restroom it was the female's restroom. A woman came screaming out of the restroom saying there's a werewolf in there. Turned out it was just a very hairy woman that suffered hirsutism instead of the werewolf lycanthropy, but seeing her eat spare ribs in the restroom probably didn't help much either.

And yet the Urinals are our major concern at the moment. Something must be done to stop them from turning all of us into brain eating Zombies. Perhaps fresher urinal cakes to toss into them blessed by priests and nuns, or better yet the Pope himself making his next pilgrimage to every urinal in the world giving a much better blessing.

Something needs to be done. I fear I may be next because yesterday I walked into a Walmart men's restroom, used one of the stalls, then went to wash my hands. And as I looked in the mirror, I saw behind me three gleaming white urinals just being there as if waiting for me or some individual with a full bladder of urine.

I felt something eerie such as fear as I stared into the mirror at the reflection of the urinals. Suddenly I quoted Shakespeare's Macbeth, "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes."

The black man next to me washing his hands says, "Not with me, homey. You can shove those thumbs where the sun don't shine."

The man from San Francisco flops his hand next to me on the other side, "Ooh what fun, I'll be in the handicap stall, sugar."

I ran out of there as fast as I could, still bought stuff from Walmart at outrageous prices and felt more terrified than the urinal situation, but eventually went home to my sparkling clean toilet who I named Audrey II after the Little Shop Of Horrors movie and sometimes late at night I'll hear it cry out, "Feed me, Seymour, feed me." Sure buddy after I drink a whole bottle of Magnesium Citrate Saline Laxative juice to stimulate the old bowels, but one horror story at a time\u2026 this is about the Urinals of the Undead!!!

Be aware, be very aware. For the Urinals are out there. Women you're safe, but us men are screwed because we would rather go up to them than the nasty unclean toilet stalls, especially what's waiting for me in the handicap stall, yeesh. So be aware, be very aware. For the Urinals of the Undead are out there.

The End. \ud83d\ude33

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