The Wabbit Hunter

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"The Wabbit Hunter"

by: Wes Robert Ward

A bald man in a brown hunting outfit sits at the bar on a bar stool with his big bulky brown hunting cap off wrapped in his hands at Looney's Bar & Grill, feeling depressed and out of sorts with himself.

He says, "Bartender, get me a cold beer with two shots each of whiskey and wum, pwease."

Bartender comes over and gives the poor bald guy what he needed, "You look down in the dumps, my friend. Need an ear because I listen very well."

The bald man take that shot of whiskey and says as he gasped with pleasure, "It's wabbits, it's always wabbits."

The Bartender said, "Woo-boy, what's up Doc, something bugging you?"

"You said it," said the bald man as he took that shot of rum next, "The name is Fudd, Elmer Donald Fudd, and it's a certain wabbit by the name of Bugs Bastard Bunny that I can't kill with my double barrel 12' gauge mossberg shotgun."

The Bartender whistles, "Wow, that's a pretty fast rabbit to avoid that weapon. Ever thought about using a machine gun?"

Elmer takes a swig of his beer and says, "Only during duck season, but I wike using a gatling gun in the weeds. I not only mow down ducks, but also a few geese and seagulls too."

"Ooh boy," said the Bartender as he polished a beer mug, "Let's stick to the topic of rabbits, okay. That kind of freaks me out."

Elmer puts his beer bottle down on the bar and points a finger at him, "You know that pesky wabbit always gets away. And he always twicks me too. I barely escaped from his wabbit hole before he detonated it with high explosives, TNT and C4. That wousy wabbit took out hawf the forest."

"Yikes," the Bartender arched his eyebrow then replied, "Maybe it's time you start hunting for another rabbit. You know they breed like inbred hillbillies, don't you know?"

Elmer gasped then did a weird laugh, "Say, that ain't a bad idea. Know any wabbits around here? Cause I got a hankering to shove my barrel into the mouth of a wabbit and blow his head off."

"Easy killer," said the Bartender as he leaned back and thought with his hand to his chin, "Let me think\u2026 hmmm, well there's Roger Rabbit down in ToonTown\u2026"

Elmer grumbled, "That nut job, pwease. Besides, it's hard for me not to motorboat his redhead tart of a wife. Mmm, that Jessica Wabbit makes me want to fudd her all night wong."

"Good point," said the Bartender, then said, "I got it, how about Rabbit from the Hundred Acre Woods, I heard he lives near Winnie the Pooh."

Elmer huffed, "I tried once to hunt that wabbit when I was two years old with a single barrel shotgun. That Tigger kept jumping me. Now that is a screwball if you ask me. Bipolar or schizo, probabwey killed them all with an axe by now."

"...okay," said the Bartender, "Let's nix that idea, how about Harvey?"

"The Pooka?" laughed Elmer, "Pwease, don't insult my intewwigence. You know I went walking in the park one day and met a gentleman named Elwood P. Dowd. He was a wery nice man who introduced me to his friend Harvey who was invisible. Yeah, I knew he was a bigger nut job than Mel Blanc, but I humored him. I said why was his human friend invisible. And he told me Harvey wasn't human, he was a Pooka. I asked, what's a Pooka? And he said some stupid crap about magic and fantasy stuff, but all I heard was the word wabbit. I pulled my shotgun and fired wildly everywhere until it was empty. And you know what that Elwood said, he said that I missed him by a hare."

"So\u2026 you don't want to hunt invisible rabbits?"

"No, I do not want to hunt invisible wabbits!!!"

The Bartender nodded then said, "How about Thumper?"

Elmer shook his head as he took a swig of beer then said, "No way, I killed Bambi's mother. Made everybody cry."

"Peter Rabbit or the Velveteen Rabbit?"

Elmer shook his head, "No, I heard through the grapevine they be Mafia. Not worth it."

The Bartender replies, "How about Bugs Bunny's girlfriend Lola Bunny?"

Elmer says, "To cute and dumb, plus a wittle to sexy to be a bunny wabbit. If I try to hunt her it may lead to something else entirewe, wike me and her in bed doing bestiality stuff."

"Okay, too much information," the Bartender held up his hand to stop the bald man from saying any more.

"Just saying I'd do that Wabbit and I'd do her good\u2026 with Viagra," Elmer did his maniacal laugh.

The Bartender snapped his fingers, "Two of them out in Wonderland right now. The White Rabbit and March Hare."

Elmer's eyes widen in shock, "Are you kidding? I shoot that White Wabbit, the Queen would have my head. And that March Hare be more fruity than every Looney one I know. Besides, tea comes out of my shotgun. Wonderland is weird, that's all I'll say on the matter."

"Um, the Energizer Bunny?"

Elmer cries out, "He carries a bazooka!!! Ah forget it. That gray wabbit is a pain in my butt, but he's my Wabbit dammit, and the day I kill that Wabbit, I'm going to stuff his carcass full of the carrots he eats and cook him in a light marinade like Martha Stewart suggests."

The Bartender says, "Uh yeah, you do that, buddy."

Just then a black and white pussycat by the name of Sylvester sits next to Elmer and says to the Bartender, "Sufferin' succotash, Bartender get me a vodka on the rocks. That Tweety Bird is a real son of a\u2026"

"Tha\u2026 tha\u2026 tha\u2026 that's all folks!!!" Porky Pig cries out in a drunken stupor at the end of the bar before passing out.

The End.

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