The Time Zebra

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\u201cThe Time Zebra\u201d

by: Wes Robert Ward

One day not so long ago, in the middle of the morning while light was still breaking in the dawning sky taking away the black darkness of the late night and the sun was waking up over the hills... I was standing in the middle of my living room in just my underwear about to peel and eat a banana while minding my own business. Unbeknown to me something was opening up before my sleepy eyes.

Suddenly a time portal appeared brilliantly on my living room wall. It was bright blue and as I watched it shimmer and shine like an aquarium without no fish, a Zebra head popped out of it and he cried out, \u201cDon't eat that banana!!! For dire consequences will hurt all of humanity if you do!!!\u201d

I jumped back startled to see a talking Zebra head sticking out of my wall and I said, \u201cWhy not? It's just a damn banana!!! And why am I seeing a talking Zebra head coming out of my wall?\u201d

\u201cBecause Zebras in the future become Time Travelers, one even stops the assassination of Ronald Reagan,\u201d The Zebra cried out, \u201cAnd if you eat that banana it will cause World War 86 in the year 10,291.\u201d

I asked, \u201cHow can eating a banana cause another World War? And seriously 86? Who caused the other 84?\u201d

The Zebra replied, \u201cThe French pissed off a few countries but that's another story. The banana you eat makes your bowels digest into poo then your poop goes into the toilet and eventually slides itself into the sewers where it mutants into a banana monster thanks to mankind's toxic dumping of nuclear waste. That banana monster eventually makes love to a donkey, don't ask, and that donkey gives birth to a banana donkey. That banana donkey runs for President of the United States of Hawaii, creates a giant atomic bomb and blows up an iceberg because he wanted ice in his lemonade, and then goes on to declare war on Easter Island because he thinks those huge stone heads fart pollution in the air which destroyed our atmosphere which we all know was destroyed by the Limburger Cheese War of 3030.\u201d

\u201c...Okay.

The Zebra said, \u201cOver 50 billion lives will die if you eat and poop that banana!!!\u201d

I said, \u201cUh okay, but this is my second banana.\u201d

\u201cSon of a\u2026.\u201d, the Zebra sighed then said as he tossed a big red rubber buttplug on my living room floor, \u201cIf you want your descendants to live then you know what you have to do.\u201d

I pointed the banana at the mysterious Zebra head on my wall and said, \u201cLet me get this straight, you want me to shove that futuristic buttplug up my ass so I can't ever take a dump again which would probably create a banana donkey anti-christ that somehow kills billions on a puny island?\u201d

The Zebra nods, \u201cI have vaseline if it'll help. You wanna see mine, I got my tail up.\u201d

\u201cNo, I don't need to see yours,\u201d I cried out with disgust, \u201cIt's just a freaking banana. And why am I talking to a Zebra head sticking out of some time portal on my wall anyway?\u201d

The Zebra shrugged, \u201cI don't know, maybe it was that marijuana doogie you just smoked half hour ago with the acid trip you're on after licking that sticker? Or maybe you're half naked holding a banana in the Zebra pen at the San Diego Zoo?\u201d

The Zoo Manager yells at his Employees, \u201cDammit, somebody get my tranquilizer gun!!! I'm gonna shoot this moron in the ass before he does what I think he's going to do to my Zebras with that banana he's holding!!!\u201d

The End.